I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize