so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
