My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
