Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
