$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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