Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
