they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
