This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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