Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize