i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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