Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
