I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My day in three words: secret purse cake
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
