If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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