That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
