This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Too much gin, very little bucket
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
