if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
