they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
