I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
