So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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