When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
