I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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