I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
