to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
