Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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