I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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