You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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