I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
