I cut my penus on the lid.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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