It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
