so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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