those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
