Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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