JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
