my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
