eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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