Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
