Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Randomize
