These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
