I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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