Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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