Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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