Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
