Define "chronic" masturbator.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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