I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
