Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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