well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
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