I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm just crazy horny about you
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
