My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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