I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
