At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
