my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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