mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize