Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
