True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
