If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
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