mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
